Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Lakers-Magic: Tale of the Tape

So here's a tale of the tape for the 2009 NBA Finals between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Orlando Magic to see how the two teams stack up in eight different categories of things other than play on the court.

- Coaching:
Orlando: Stan "The Master of Panic" Van Gundy
L.A.: Phil "The Zen Master" Jackson

Edge: Lakers. Jackson has nine rings, and seeking his tenth. Van Gundy has taken two Florida teams to the Eastern Conference Finals in the last 5 years, and should've had a ring in 2006.

- Best Nickname:
Orlando: Hedo Turkoglu - The Turkish Michael Jordan.
L.A. : Kobe Bryant - The Black Mamba

Edge: Orlando. Huge fan of the self-proclaimed "Turkish MJ" moniker.

- Celebrity Look-Alikes:
Orlando: 4. Van Gundy - Ron Jeremy. Rashard Lewis - T.I.. Anthony Johnson - Ashy Larry. Marcin Gortat - Wooly Willy.
L.A.: 3. Pau Gasol - Pigeon Man from Hey Arnold! or Big Bird, you choose. Adam Morrison and Jim Morrison of The Doors (sans the mustache). Sasha Vujacic and Russell Brand.

Edge: Orlando. 4 > 3.

-Courtside Celebrity:
Orlando: Tiger Woods.
L.A.: Pick a name. I'll go with Jack Nicholson.

Edge: Lakers. As great a golfer as Tiger is, I have to go with Nicholson, because I'll watch any movie he's in. I won't watch any round of golf Tiger's in, just the important ones.

-Better Fourth Quarter Closer:
Orlando: Hedo "The Turkish MJ" Turkoglu
L.A.: Kobe.

Edge: Is this even a question? Lakers. As much as I enjoy Hedo, Kobe is the most clutch player in the league.

-Team Who's Win Will Hurt Shaq's Ego The Most:
Orlando: Shaq said Dwight Howard copies him and his moves. Shaq also famously called SVG the "Master of Panic."
L.A. : Famous feud with Kobe, which at it's most recent, involved Shaq freestyling about Kobe and asking how his "ass tastes." Also had a tiff with Jackson.

Edge: Push. It's a lose-lose situation for Shaq in this year's finals, with either team winning, a blow will be dealt to the Big Aristotle's ever-expanding ego.

- Mascots:
Orlando: "Stuff" or as I like to call him, Puff the Magic Dragon. See what I did there?
L.A. : None.

Edge: Orlando. What kind of sports team doesn't have a mascot? Well, the Lakers, obviously.

- Better Disney Park:
Orlando: Disney World.
L.A.: Disneyland.

Edge: Orlando. In general, I'm not a fan of the Disney theme parks, so neither team wins for that. However, both cities also have a Univeral Studios. In this case, Orlando gets the edge, because they've got better attractions AND they have Islands of Adventure to go with it.

Final Tally: Orlando 4. Los Angeles 3. 1 push.

No comments:

Post a Comment